Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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