I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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