i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
