I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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