Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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