I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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