oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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