I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
