was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
