I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
