Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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