someone get that fucking seahorse.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
