We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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