I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
