Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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