I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
