4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
