now i know why i became what i already was.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
