So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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