remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
