There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
