Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
