He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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