you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
