gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
