non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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