P.S. I can't hear my feet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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