The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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