Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
