Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
we're so committed to being not committed
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
