remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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