Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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