apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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