Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
