i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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