Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Couch. On fire.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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