At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
