I met the friendliest cop last night
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
