I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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