Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
