Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
