when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
