I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
