You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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