My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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