cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
