did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
