sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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