Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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