Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
